I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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