You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
