Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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