i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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