Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
