I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
