My room smells like vodka and shame
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
