i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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