he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
