I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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