I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
