It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
