Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
