I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize