By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
