Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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