I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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