I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
