I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
