I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
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I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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