Banned from zoo.
Again?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
