I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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