One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
