Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
