Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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