he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
