if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
