I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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