remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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