Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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