I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
