Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
