i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
