I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
