she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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