I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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