I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
