We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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