I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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