Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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