Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
