oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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