I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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