I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
