He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
