Soap is not a condiment
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
