Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
