Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
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Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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