Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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