Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
