you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
