Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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