I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
