I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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