I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
