I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
