I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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