Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
