those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
