I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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