So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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