My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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