i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
